The Diaries of Darth Vader
by Jandalf the Orange
Summary: What happens when our favorite Sith lord gets his gloves on his own personal diary? A look underneath Vader's helmet by the wonderful people from the sw.com message boards...R


Yes, the diaries of Darth Vader! It was a thread on the message boards at SW.com, but the mods locked it because it was too much like fanfiction. So that got me thinking…what if I could share the love over here, at Fanfiction.net?

Hope all the people who contributed don't mind.

Some of the posts have been edited for spelling/grammar, and I will exclude any that I think inappropriate.

Credits thus far go to: Skywalker Girl, Dr. Yes, Carassi, wronginthehead, Chrizzkit: Ghost, Darth Neo31, Jedi Master Lidgerwood, MLBFan25, Fesoj Floink/yesman Jr., The-Flying-Jawa, SB (Jedi Knight), Captain Yossarian, Sam The Pink Snake Poker, Thrawn's Girl, batman316, Counting Krayts, The Elven Jedi, CloneSgt., ebat9, Dark Lord Darth Vader, Mighty Jag, Master Shogun, Master Jedi Squarepants, *Squishable* Scrumby Nate., Krel Ansell, Stell: lurking in this thread, Darklighter86, EV_9D9, Padawan Leigh, Babs123, Jedi-Spirit-Thingy, LordoftheEwoks, Lactose Intolorant Yoda, down1, Major M. Major, SWFDM minion of Haldir, Katana Solo, Darkreaper, Xanatos Kenobi, Darth PsoniQ, Arrhae Tahl, Lone Wolf and Cub, Aggie: Pinnacle of Fire, WarHoss316, Kashchei, Jedi-Spirit-Thingy,

***

Dear Diary,  
  
Have decided that Black may no longer work for me, it's time for a change in wardrobe, maybe a nice shade of vermilion will suit my pasty complexion better? Surely vermilion would strike fear into the hearts of those damn rebels!  
  
Darth Ani

***

Dearest Diary,  
  
My change in wardrobe did not go down well. I have Force choked any individuals who viewed the fashion experiment, although word is beginning to filter out through the ranks. Captain Needa no longer looks me in the mask anymore, I fear he may be trying not to laugh. If I hear any wayward giggling a Force choke will definitely be in order.  
I'll stick with Black, it's much more slimming.  
  
Darth Ani 

***

Dear Diary,  
  
Today I finally met my son. He's grown up to be so handsome. But I had to go do the stupidest thing, I cut off his hand. How could I be such an idiot! And after 20 years of child-support checks back to the Desert Rock that Obi-Wan left him on, I don't get even one thank you! Not ONE! Some kids can be so rude these days. And he doesn't want to hold up the family tradition set down by, well, myself of going to the Dark Side. I knew Owen would do him no good.   
  
Oh, got to go. The Emperor wants to see me. He'd shock me to death if he saw me writing in you, diary. You're the only person/thing I can trust.  
  
Love,  
Anakin

***

Dear Diary,  
I had the strangest dream last night. I would have told my master except for the feeling that I shouldn't. Before I forget it, I must tell it. I was in a long, dark hall, there was no light. I felt I had to keep walking - faster. As I walked, I saw a light far ahead. I walked faster. Something drew me closer. It was Obi-Wan. Diary, I was glad. I hadn't felt that way since our first mission together. Something was right. He beckoned to me. I followed him once more. As we walked together, the light grew. There I saw - dare I say her name again - Padmé. Obi-Wan motioned me on. We were back on Naboo at her Uncle's house. . . As we sat there, suddenly, the sky turned dark. Darth Sidious approached and stood at the edge of the field. Both Obi-Wan and Padmé looked at me. Darth Sidious beckoned to me. I shook me head no again and again. Obi-Wan then touched my shoulder, and pressed a small stone into my hand. It was warm, and the light of the force pulsed around me. "You must go now," Padmé whispered. Then I woke up. Now you see why I couldn't speak it? I cannot speak his name.  
  
Darth V ? no Anakin

***

Dear diary: I haven't written in awhile because things aren't going well. I stopped a rebel blockade runner carrying the DS plans, but the plans weren't there. I arrested a princess who reminds me of my ex. I had to go to the planet where my mom died to track down the DS plans. I killed my step-brother and his wife. And I got insulted by a knee-jerk admiral and Tarkin wouldn't let me choke him! To top it off, I have a performance review with Palpy coming up next week. Oh well, at least I have some well-deserved recreation coming up -- interrogating that princess. I'll write again soon. -- Ani 

***

Dear Diary,  
  
I killed someone today.  
  
Love,   
Vader 

***

Dear Diary  
  
I......I killed them......I killed them all........They're dead.....every last one of them.....and not just the men...but the women and the children too.....They're animals, and I slaughtered them like animals....I hate them.  
  
Love Ani

***

Dear Diary  
I am finding it challenging to write with these gloves on...not to mention the robotic hands....If Master Sidious caught me writing he'd be very grumpy  
  
With all my hate VADER

***

Dear Diary,  
I had another dream about my mother last night. I've decided that the only way to make them stop is to kill every Tusken Raider on Tatooine. I'm going there with an elite squad of Stormtroopers. I just hope the idiots can shoot straight.  
  
Darth Skywalker.

***

Dear Diary,

  
I hate Lower Ranking Officers.  
  
Love,  
  
Vadey 

***

Dear Diary,  
  
I'm evil. Can I burn you?  
  
-Vader

***

Dear Diary,  
  
Today I felt a disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Jawas screamed out in terror and were suddenly silenced.  
  
Sincerely, D.V.

***

Dear diary,  
  
Today I lopped off my son's hand with a lightsaber and it went flying. He then committed suicide (or so I thought) but later I could sense him. It felt good to know that he hadn't died.   
  
P.S. I want to kill him myself!!!  
  
Sincerely,   
D.V.

***

Dear Diary,  
  
I'm really bummed. My cape shrunk in the wash this morning. Later in the day, a man approached me and said, "It's cotton, Vader. It happens." I Force-choked him on the spot. Turns out he was the Senator from Alderaan. Everybody there hates me now. Well you know what? I hate them right back! Sometimes I wish that planet would just blow up, you know? Oh well, I suppose things could be worse. Maybe I'll just switch to polyester.  
  
Love,  
Vader

***

Dear Diary,  
Polyester is great. It even billows behind me when I walk, giving me an even more menacing look. Well, that "foul stench" finally did something right for a change. I won't have to worry about Alderaan or any people related to it anymore. Hmm, the commander of the ship is calling. I will go now.  
DV

***

Dear Diary,  
  
I blew up a planet today. Now I can make that _Rest Star_ I have always wanted. The ladies will dig the hot tub.  
  
-Vader

***

Dear Diary,  
I am really annoyed with the Emperor today. I went to go to the hot tub only to find out that this suit isn't waterproof. I'll get him somehow.  
  
Vader

***

Dear Diary,  
  
Oh, woe is me. How sad I feel when I look upon my scarred and twisted form. Damn this helmet's itchy... 

***

Dear Diary,  
  
I went on _Star Tours_ today...  
  
...and my helmet is drying outside. Hopefully, the odor will go away. 

***

Dearest Diary,  
  
Oh woe is me! Am feeling very homesick today, and am missing the wonderful warm plains of Tatooine. I wish I could get out of this harsh metal environment that the Emperor has set up for himself, and maybe get a tan!  
  
Love  
Darth Ani

***

My Dear Diary,  
  
I'd forgotten how hard and coarse sand is - and how it gets everywhere. Let's just say my brief break from Force-choking hapless Imperial officers was not a success. Sand got into my respirator and now the sound of my breathing is much heavier than normal....it's sure to induce fear...and also it's really, really cool.  
  
Darth Ani

***

Dear Diary  
  
Had to babysit today, children are annoying, killed them all.  
  
Love  
Ani

***

Dear Diary,  
  
Today was the Annual Imperial Father/Son Pick-nick on Naboo...and just like last year and all the years before...I was stuck on my ship. Nobody knows I have a son, of course, I can't just tell them that my son is in the Rebel Alliance. That would shatter all respect and support I have in the Empire.  
  
Anyway, to pass the time I decided to inspect the ship. It was going fine 'til I slipped on a wet floor and fell into a garbage chute. I think I was unconscious for about 3 hours. My helmet was missing and my cape was ripped all to hell..Oh well.  
It couldn't possibly get worse than that, right? Wrong!! While trying to find a way out of there the walls started their crushing cycle. I managed to stop them using the Force. With the walls stopped, the maintenance crew came it to fix it..only to find me standing there, covered in garbage, helmetless and smelling of Poodoo. I force choked them on the spot, left them in there and let the walls continue crushing.  
  
I made it back to my chamber without killing _too_ many people who saw me. Well, gotta go up to the bridge now.  
  
Ani

***

Dear Diary.  
Was browsing the intergalactic web and found that some people fail to take me seriously. Here is an example  
  
TOP TEN HOBBIES OF DARTH VADER  
(By David Hitt, mrkenobi@aol.com)  
  
10) Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls  
9) Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their eyes, and demanding "Guess who?"  
8) Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits  
7) Genealogy  
6) Using the force to learn to juggle  
5) Mortal Kombat 5436  
4) Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship  
3) Late nights with a pain droid  
2) Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma  
1) Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich after him yet  
  
I will kill them, yes, I will kill them all.  
Love Vadey

***

Dear Diary  
  
I think I'm in love with that new girl, Daala. How can I forget my Padmé? I don't know what to do, asked Palpy for some advice, he said: "Forget Padmé." What to do, what to do?  
  
a confused and worried Ani. 

***

Dear Diary,  
Today I found a new and unique way to kill people. (Besides force choking them) I was watching the holo-net as usual, when this commercial came on selling carbonite freezing chambers for 19.95 plus shipping and handling. What a deal I thought. I had one installed right away. After force choking the installer I decided to find some saps. Tricking some stormtroopers into thinking it was a hot-tub was to easy. I was amazed at how fast and efficient the chamber worked. Now they are serving "Vaderpops" at every meal in the meal mess hall. The officers have no idea. *snicker*  
I'm thinking about using on my son and his friend Cpt. Solo.  
  
Yours,  
  
Vadey

***

Dear Diary,  
  
I am so upset right now I could force choke an entire squadron of Tie Fighter Pilots. My new carbonite Freezing chamber broke on me yesterday.  
  
I spent four hours talking with the company's tech support group and I got no where. I would talk to the Hardware guys and they'd say it was the operating system and transfer me to that group. The OS guys said it was hardware and transferred me back to the Hardware Yahoos.   
  
I have decided to take the Executor to Coruscant and destroy the Carbonite Freezing Chamber company. I am torn between force choking them all or freezing them in their own defective product. I'll probably go with old reliable and force choke them all.  
  
On a positive note, the Ginsu knives are working out great and I have been able to save the batteries on my lightsaber when I have to chop vegetables.  
  
As always,  
  
Vader

***

Dearest Diary,  
  
After entrapping the dashing Captain Solo in carbonite I have decided that I need an image makeover.   
I mean, Solo has that alluring sex appeal, the roguish air, the cocky attitude - a fancy stripe up his pants.   
I have decided to "borrow" some fashion tips from him and try to exude more of that confidence.  
  
This will no doubt increase my luck with the ladies, they seem to find me pretty terrifying at the present moment. I don't understand why...I _do_ wear leather pants...  
  
Darth Ani

***

Dear Diary,  
  
The style change didn't work and now all of the replacement crews have been force choked. I thought painting a white stripe up the side of my leather pants would be a good start, boy was I wrong! The crew kept making references to Pepe LePew and I overheard the new nickname the crew came up with for me: Darth Stinky! I also heard Oreo Pants floating around for a while but I think I force choked the ones who started that one before it had a chance to get out. Can you believe it?  
  
I would force choke Solo right now if I hadn't already given him to Boba to deliver to Jabba. I think I need to hire someone to go over all of my ideas with before I implement them. Maybe I should put out a personal ad or something. I'll have to think on that one some.  
  
Gotta go, Palpy wants to talk to me about something. I'm sure it has something to do with all of the people I have choked lately.  
  
Later,  
Vader

***

Dear Diary,  
I'm back from the meeting with Palpy. It was the usual, " You will kill my army before the Rebels do" and, " If you want to kill that many people go blow up a planet or something" routine. He also said to lay off of the force choking and try force lightning once in a while. To calm my nerves I took the _Executor_ for a spin and razed a few planets.  
  
DV

***

Dear Diary,  
Well I stopped another interplanetary war today - well, I started it too. I blew up one planet, and a second blamed a third, so I blew them all up. Palpy will be sure to be mad about the third. They make his throne cushions there. Oh well. Maybe I can con Calrissian into "offering" his services.  
  
With love,  
DV

***

Dear Diary,  
  
The Emperor was most distressed at my having wasted too many troops, planets, cushions and office furniture.  
  
He suggested I study one of his lame dark side holocrons, in particular a chapter called  
"Anger Management, the Dark Side, and You."   
  
I took the doggoned thing to a library portal, plugged it in and promptly fell asleep during its dull, long-winded intro.  
I then had a weird dream about slapping small ball-shaped things with lengths of wood and a bunch of guys in weird uniforms.   
  
I awoke just as the program came to its end, and went to return it to the Palpster. Wouldn't you know- he asks: "And what insights did you gain from it, Lord Vader?"

I paused, knowing if I said nothing he was going to zap my butt with a few lightning bolts... I was still a little panicky, still in a daze from the dream, so I simply blurted out a reoccurring sentence in that dream:  
"If you build it, they will come."  
  
"That's it! Lord Vader, you are a genius! We shall commence construction immediately! Dust off the station plans, Tarkin," he announced into his chair's intercom.  
  
Looks like the old guy is finally losing it... My time is at hand...  
  
DV

***

Dear Diary  
  
This week has been strange to say the least. First the weird conversation with Palpy and his reference to Moff Tarkin who died a while ago after choking on a ham sandwich just before the first Death Star was destroyed.  
  
Secondly I've been seeing that Wookiee stormtrooper more often.  
  
The thought had crossed my mind that it was a rebel but then again it is so obvious that it is a Wookiee, so it can't be...But they might think that I might think that so go ahead with it and think that I think it's too obvious so I wouldn't think it's a rebel but it actually is...but they might think that so not bother, so...they might continue with there original plan if they think I might think that...only one way to find this out! I confronted the Wookiee and asked him who he (if it is a he) was. The only problem was that I don't speak Wookiee. I spent 3 hours speaking very loudly in the corridor making ludicrous hand gestures in and attempt to communicate with it. It just stood there and made those stupid growl noises.  
  
I would have choked it, but we've been recruiting all sorts now a day due to shortages. The canteen staff is sloppy and working two shifts makes them very tired and prone to sleeping anywhere on the ship. I tripped over one when I left my quarters this morning and got my head jammed in the wall. It took 7 droid repair units to remove me from the wall, which later turned out to be a sewage pipe with the main toilets on the floor above. The smell is awful! Plus they have burned my toast on several occasions. We've even got a few Ewoks in trooper uniforms walking about the place; the amount of fur they shed is unbelievable for such small creatures. I've ordered some droids to collect the fur and make cushions for the Emperor in an attempt to please him.  
  
Also they are amazed with such basic technology. I ordered one to fetch me a coffee from the room next door while I watched a planet implode and it took the Ewok 7 hours! Not only had the coffee gone cold but also it had congealed and was starting to form a basic cultural society.   
  
It turned out that the Ewok was in wonder at how the door opened by itself. After a choke, I now have a wonderful Ewok pelt on the floor of my quarters and the cup of coffee has been given a uniform and promoted to admiral.  
  
Yours Hairly,   
(Again not sure if that is a word)  
  
Darth Vader

***

Dear Diary,  
  
Note to self-   
  
Try to remember- nutrient intake valve on left, sewage valve on right.  
  
The cafeteria staff will never look at me the same way after this morning's pineapple juice episode...  
  
DV  


***

Dear Diary,  
Taking my outfit to the fifteenth dry cleaner in a month today. No one knows how to clean it right. Had to cut off a lot of hands... 

DV

***

Dear Diary,  
After force choking the entire crew and destroying a few planets I decided to put my plan into action. It took me a while because I had to drive the whole ship myself. After arriving at Coruscant it took me almost FOUR hours to find a decent parking space. Then I headed down to nearest appliance store to by buy a few items. When I reached the ship I realized the parking meters had expired. All 3,709,560 of them. After hacking them all down with my lightsaber I decided to have a "talk" with the Manager of Transportation.  
Talk about it later. I haven't killed a person in the last five minutes.  
  
DV  
***

Dear Diary,  
  
Well the manager wasn't pleased to see me; he did everything he could to try to gain my forgiveness. He even offered a lifetime supply of air freshener for the inside of my mask. It was tempting but I refused and took care of him.  
P.S. I took the air freshener any ways!  
Yes!!!!  
  
-Vader 

***

Dear Diary,  
Ack! The air freshener smelled like stale raspberries. I had to get rid of it, but the good will didn't want them. So, I force choked the administrator. Heehee… the commitee is still deciding who to elect leader next. Committees…heheheheh.  
  
Gleefully,  
DV 

***

Dear Diary,  
I ended up just throwing it to the Emperor's room.  
It exploded and now his room smells bad… it smells even worse than him. He is all teary eyed right now and I'm laughing to death. Yet somehow I think I am going to be in pain.  
  
-Vader 


End file.
